Everything Changed (Part 2)

It was early September and I was really dreading telling the kids about my upcoming surgery. They are 5 and 7, and I really try to shelter them from the ugly and painful things in life. I know that the "Tiger Mom" or whoever she is would probably think that's detrimental to them, but I feel strongly about wanting their childhood to be pure and for them to always feel safe. They had heard a lot about Grandma Lisa's surgery so I knew it would color their reactions. Jeremy and I decided to talk it over during dinner. We kept it simple and said that mommy is having surgery because there is something wrong in her brain. I told them that I would be in the hospital for a little while but that they would stay with Grandma Rita during the school week and still see Daddy every day. They reacted differently, just as I anticipated they would. Alex immediately looked sad and was really hung up on me being in the hospital for a week. He kept saying, "I don't want you to have surgery".

Ava appeared reticent at first, and then said, "Well, I sure hope they are really good professionals, because they have to do a great job". They both struggled with it more throughout September and October and would often bring it up during snuggle time. Alex in particular was concerned that I was going to go to Heaven, and every time he asked, it was so hard for me formulate a decent answer, because his questions always made me catch my breath for a moment.


Some time in September Ava came across an image of my brain taken during my MRI/A. She asked what the picture was of, and I told her it was my brain. I showed her my brain aneurysm. She pointed to the various arteries on the image and asked what they were and what their purpose is.  I explained that they carried blood to different parts of my brain, which affected different parts of my body. She said, "Oh, I get it. They are like plugs and the different parts make you who you are". I said, "Yep, Birdie, you got it!".  She began describing the "plugs" to me, and I am so happy I wrote her descriptions down as she spoke. 

Oh, and that's my aneurysm in the red box.  He's my nemesis.  Telling the kids about my surgery took a huge pressure off of me, but I started thinking about all of the other things I needed to accomplish, like talking over the *serious things" with Jeremy.  I put that off as long as I could....

On another but completely related note, please lift my cousin Kiley up with your thoughts and prayers.  She is having the same surgery I had done today.  She is only 24 years old but is going to conquer this just like I did and my mom did before me. 

Everything Changed (Part 1)

Once upon a time, things were different in my family.  I want to tell you about how things have changed, in hopes of helping someone else.

We were all seemingly healthy when we set out to vacation on Lake Michigan in June of this year. 

June 28th, 2013 in Michigan City, IN

Most of you reading my blog know that everything changed for my family in an instant on June 29th when an aneurysm in my mom's brain burst.  Ashley had just served us all breakfast on that day and we stood around the kitchen in our rented lake home talking about which plans for the day the kids would prefer, going to the beach, or a hike on the sand dunes?  Those closest to me know that I have a poor memory, but what happened in the moments that followed is forever painfully seared in my mind.  I won't share those painful details here related to my mom's story, because her story is hers to tell if she wishes.  Nonetheless, our tales are certainly linked, both because of genetics and our love for one another.  My mom has defied the odds countless times and still faces significant struggles in her future.

After my mom's initial surgery we (my two sisters, my step-dad and my aunt Debbie) all met with my mom's neurosurgeon at UIC Hospital in Chicago.  After describing details of the surgery and the risks to come she looked each of us women in the eye and implored us to be tested to see if we have brain aneurysms ourselves.  I use the term implore because she expressed how important she felt this was for our family.  She described to us that while having brain aneurysms is not typically genetic, when she sees five in one person like my mom's case, a family link is suspected.  I honestly was in no hurry to be tested, but because my sisters both set up appointments for CT and MRI/A scans I figured I better fall in line.  I honestly gave no thought to the idea that I might have one myself.

Fast forward to early August.  I was at work and had two new students and their parents sitting outside my office in preparation for me to register them for classes.  I received a call on my cell phone from my doctor's office.  The nurse at my doctor's office described that the results from my scan had come back and "showed something".  She said, "it looks like you have a small aneurysm, but don't worry too much, it doesn't mean anything needs to be done about it".  Regardless of her demeanor, hearing this was devastating because flashbacks of what I had just seen my mom go through began slicing through my mind.  I began breathing in and out loudly and quickly, and I started to sob.  I ran out of my office to my car and sat there shaking and crying.  I ran home and shared the information with Jeremy and he looked like he had just seen a ghost.  I called my sisters and they sobbed.  I could not yet bear to tell my parents.  I dried my eyes and registered my two students.  I started tearing up several times during the appointments but there was no stopping it.

I didn't have an appointment to see my doctor until later in August.  In those few weeks prior I tried to gain knowledge about treatment options for unruptured brain aneurysms.  I had so many questions and I requested to speak with my doctor about it more.  His nurse indicated that I would be referred to speak to a neurologist in town.  That neurologist's office called to say that I wouldn't be seeing him, as brain aneurysms were outside his scope of expertise.  Since I was on my own, I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could on the interwebs.  I eventually realized that there are three basic options, and I quickly decided that I would prefer to pursue the options in this order:

#1  Take a wait and see approach

#2  Endovascular coiling

#3 A craniotomy to clip the aneurysm

Jeremy, Ashley and I met with Dr. Klopfenstein on August 28th. 

Dr. Jeffrey Klopfenstein

I had only recently learned that he would be clipping the remaining aneurysms of my mom's very soon.  Dr. Klopfenstein (Dr. McDreamy) showed me a copy of my MRI and explained where my aneurysm was located.  He told me that while size isn't a huge consideration, at that time my aneurysm was larger than my mom's that burst.  He told me that he couldn't say for sure, but in his opinion, my aneurysm would burst sometime in my lifetime.  His actual words have stuck with me: "God willing, you will live for fifty more years.  I believe it will rupture within the next fifty years.  If it bursts, it will be catastrophic".  Before telling me what to do, he said that he could guess that I had thought this all over, and what did I want to do?  I said that I wasn't sure what to do, but that I had already decided to follow his treatment recommendations.  He said that it was my choice, but in his opinion, I should have it clipped.  I was disappointed to learn that I was not a candidate for coiling because of the shape and size of my brain aneurysm.  He described the typical course for recovery, indicating I would be in ICU for approximately 48 hours and in the hospital for 3-5 days.  He said I would need to be off work for approximately one month.  We threw around some potential dates for surgery and at that time I thought that Christmas break would be a good idea so that I could minimize time away from work.  I left the appointment in a haze and asked Jeremy to take me to Victoria's Secret.  I really wanted a cute bra at that moment.  I called my mom as I left the appointment and she cried when she heard I needed surgery too.  My dad called while I was in the changing room at Victoria's Secret and he also broke down as I told him.  He kept telling me how strong I was because I wasn't crying on the phone with him.   

Throw Back Thursday

Our first vacation in Jamaica, almost ten years ago.

It's the Little Things

Have you heard the saying "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things".  I've been trying to live life every day by those words.  I am having brain surgery on November 12th.  I, like my mom, have a brain aneurysm.  I need to have surgery to have it clipped.  I am scared out of my wits to have a craniotomy.  I know that I should feel lucky that they found it before it burst and that my children don't have to go through what my sisters and I went through when my mother's aneurysm burst.  While I don't feel lucky at all (I feel pretty fucking unlucky, to be honest), I do feel an appreciation for the little things, the things that are keeping me going every day, the things I want to tell you about:

1.  I should be making a will but instead I am organizing the shelves/cabinets where my pans are stored.  I am looking for my legacy, people!

2.  Mmmm, morning coffee that I didn't make myself.  How I cherish thee.  See this girl?  She works at the Java Station.  She knows my order and starts on it before I order.  Her name is Kelly and she is Uh-Maze-Ing.  The Mindi from before never stopped at the Java Hut.  Four something dollars was wayyy too much to spend on coffee when I already have a Keurig at home.  No longer my friends.  It tastes better when she makes it, and on many mornings, I let her!

3.  I have a new found appreciation for my legs.  Ever since a person who will not be named told me my legs were fat in 7th grade, I have had issues with my legs.  I know they aren't perfect, but damn it, they are strong, they let me run and run, THEY TAKE ME PLACES.  For that I heart them and appreciate them more now.  I realize I will be required to take a break from running for at least a few months.  I want to enjoy it while I can right now.

4.  I am less wary about sharing my opinions.  I have been posting on FB like a madwoman lately, I know.  I don't apologize if it annoys you, you can always block me or unfriend me.  You see, things like marriage and gender equality and orange cats mean a lot to me, and I wish to share it with the cyber world!!

5.  I kiss and hug my kids A LOT.  I always have, but now I do it even more.  I can't get out of my head the way they reacted when we told them I was having surgery.  I can't wait to be the "old me" and want to fast forward through the month when I will be, shall we say, compromised.  I get a certain feeling when Ava or Alex and I are heart to heart, and it's like nothing else in this world.  I hang onto it with every fiber of my being.  A fabulous teacher at school (Tami Qualls) talked to me about what it's like to have brain surgery and gave me some good tips.  She told me that when the anesthesiologist asks you to count backwards as you are sedated, instead of doing that to begin chanting your children's names.  She told me that it's a reminder to everyone in that room all that you have to live for.  She told me that if God forbid, something were to go wrong, no one wants counting backwards to be how they spent their last moments on this earth.  I will chant AVA ALEX AVA ALEX AVA ALEX over and over again before I go under anesthesia.  I know you know that I have my amazing babies to live for. 

6.  I give my lovelovelove to the kids at school.  I tell them I love them, I tell them they look amazing, I tell them they even smell amazing if they happen to (which I might add is quite rare in the high school environment).  I write them notes, and I relish praising them and giving them a card for a free cone from DQ.  They need love, and I have love to give.

7.  I have no patience for petty and annoying drama llama crap.  Enough said.

8.  I have been shopping.  Too much shopping is happening.  I might be using my surgery as an excuse for this one.  Don't tell Jer.  He barely gets on FB so I might just get away with this one.

9. I can't get enough of the little, mundane, routine, ordinary and every day moments with my perfect family.  From listening to Alex as he plays with his dinosaurs to watching Ava dance, to talking to Jer about his day, I don't take a bit of this life for granted.

10.  I don't take the beauty of this world for granted either.  Do you know our sky looked like this on an early morning last week?  I was awestruck for a moment.

11.  Most of all, I could not do this without my family, my husband's family, my friends, and Jer. 

More than anything on this earth I want to come out of this still ME.  That means that if you act like I look weird with part of my head shaved, I will notice!  Ok, just kidding.  (This ME thinks she is funny).

 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Erma Gerd, We ARE Related!

I was downloading pics from Ava's birthday trip to Build-a-Bear when I came across proof that there's a genetic link between my daughter and I! Trust me, my experience birthing her is forever seared in my brain, but there's always been that teensy tiny thought in the back of my head that a negligent nurse performed a little switcheroo in the hospital with my baby and someone else's. (Tell me this is normal!??) This little thought gained some traction when I soon realized my little darling's eyes were blue and her hair full of natural curl. These were surprises of the good kind but over the last seven years I have heard more than one joke about the mailman when strangers see Ava and then Jeremy and myself. Maybe it's because she is so flipping gorgeous. :) I am always envious of parents with little mini mes walking around, and Jeremy hit the jackpot in this area because he and Alex are twinkies. Anyways, I came across this pic and I instantly
loved it.
 

LOOK AT OUR CHINS. THEY. ARE. THE. SAME. 

 ERMA GERD, WE ARE RELATED!

Wordless Wednesday.

Scrub-a-Dub-Dub, There's a Cutie in my Tub

I bet many of you are parents. If so, you probably have a lot of experience in regards to assisting your child with bathing. For me, helping the kiddos bathe is a task to check off the to-do list like the myriad of other things that must be accomplished on a school night (because who hasn't skipped a kiddo's shower at some point on a weekend?) along with making dinner, working on homework, the requisite and much sought after "family activity", and the grand finale, the bedtime ritual. Viewing bathtime as a chore really robs bathtime of its unlimited potential. Alex always begs for a bath and I try to talk him into a shower to save time. However, showers just don't yield the playtime potential that baths do. When Alley in particular is taking a bath, imagination runs wild! He's on a pirate ship!, he's in an epic battle with Transformers!, no wait, he's being eaten by a crocodile! Once in awhile I am in the frame of mind to stop picking up dirty clothes, to stop putting things away, and to really LISTEN. I start to take my makeup off and laugh to myself as I see the world through his eyes. It's a special place.....

Back to School!

Today was the first day of school! Ava was stoic but also seemed fragile. I debated whether or not to help carry her school supplies in. I decided on putting them in her backpack. We took pictures and a few friends (Camilla and Valencia) ran up to hug her and say they missed her. I had to leave in a hurry to help Alex so I didn't get to see Ava actually walk in. This made me sad but I was so happy to have my mother in law there with me to watch her go in. I ran over to help Alex line up. The aide at the end of the line took his hand and he reached and also grabbed his teacher's hand. He held onto both of them and they laughed, saying, "he really has this all figured out". Right before walking in he broke from his teachers and said that he needed to give his mom one more hug and kiss. That's when the tears really started flowing for me, and it really melted my heart. Both of them had a fabulous first day of school. : )


 

Back to School Photo Shoot!

I'm Baaaack.

Wow. It's really hard for me to believe it was March of 2011 when I last blogged.  I took losing Marty pretty hard and most of what I formerly blogged about were celebrations of sorts.  I didn't feel that I could write like that again after posting about his dying.  I should never have gotten away from this.  A lot has happened since my last post, and I will only re-cap the major occurrences--

• I moved from being the Career and Technical Education Counselor to a "regular" School Counselor
• Jeremy was laid off from work and now is in a different position with the State of Iowa
•  a nephew and niece entered the world
• we moved into a new house
• I lost my beloved Grandma Marty
• I ran in a lot of races and read some great fiction
• Ava started school and has since completed kindergarten
•  Alex was diagnosed with a life-threatening tree nut allergy
• I completed another post-master's certificate in School Administration
• my dad got engaged
•  I saw our POTUS *twice*
• and very recently, I nearly lost my mommy.  

Since the last time I blogged I feel that I have aged more in that time than any other in my life.  I've put a lot of pressure on myself, some unnecessarily.  I am back to the blog because I think it's cathartic for me to share what's going on in my life and my mind.  So, for those of you that I asked why I am not longer blogging and suggested that I get back to it, thank you.  I needed the little boost to get going again.